Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send . - Mon Aug 07, 2017 12:16 pm
It won't cut it, and I am not asking you to trust me or forgive me. I just want you to know that I wish this didn't happen. It makes it worse to know I could've made another choice and I didn't. If you wonder why I did this, the reason is this: I was scared. I was angry. You've turned my head around and around over the past 8 months. Love confessions in one second, rejection and anger the next. Being lovely for a few days, then lashing out at me and telling me I'm not enough. And then you blamed it all on me. "You don't trust me." "You're manipulative". And I scraped and apologized and started accordingly hating myself because I couldn't make you happy. I couldn't even be happy. You left for others (you needn't tell me, I knew. It was transparent, as I'm sure you were aware) and came back wondering why I didn't chase you. Keeping me at arms length but always letting me fight to defuse you.
I felt insane. I felt lost. I was tired already. When you came back that last time, after a damn week of silence, after building me up and making me laugh in the night just a day before, I realized I couldn't handle another round. We'd argue, things would return to nothing, I'd wonder what I was doing wrong for the rest of my life.
I think I began to understand then why someone else did this to you before. I hope you understand someday. I think I began to feel that panic that builds up when you realize someone doesn't really want you but also doesn't want to let you go. Serves me right, I suppose.
I didn't trust you fully no, even though I wanted to. Trust doesn't just happen because you demand it, it needs to build in time. In my own time. I could never even trust what you said. You told me you loved me but didn't really show it. You left, you told me you were done, and apparently you weren't. Two long, angry, broken emails told me you weren't done at all.
I am. Not because I want to hurt you, but because I need to stop hurting myself with this. I loved you, way too much, and it sucked.
Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send . - Tue Aug 15, 2017 10:13 am
Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send . - Fri Aug 18, 2017 12:57 am
I feel incredibly sad that you left us the way you did.
I can't help but feel a little angry with you, even though I know it's unreasonable and selfish of me, and that makes me sad also.
I went to your funeral yesterday. I didn't cry, but I got damn close. I hugged people, I shook hands, and I went to your wake, talking to people about you and the memories of you.
It hurts. I know we weren't that close, but I still cared about you, and I have fond memories of you.
My heart bleeds for the children you left behind, and for your husband who has to put on a brave face for them. I feel so bad.
I know there was nothing I could have done to help you, there was nothing anyone could do, but part of me still wishes you wouldn't have given up on helping yourself.
I can't believe I'm at that age where I go to funerals because I want to, not because a family member died and I have to.
Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send . - Tue Sep 12, 2017 12:28 pm
I really am glad we were able to work things out. I know things are really rough for you because you're unemployed and homeless. I promise, I'll keep doing what I can to help. Weather it's keeping an ear out for job openings, letting you sleep at my place (even though I live with my aunt and she has no idea as far as I know), whatever I can do to help you get on your feet I will do. I know you would do what you could if I was in a similar position. You always have me in your corner, no matter what just don't push me away. That's when the real trouble starts. I really do love you to the moon and back, and I know you'll get through this.
You are so fucking stressful sometimes with people asking me to get files when they haven't even bothered to look themselves for it, how the filing that needs to be done tends to pile up, and how sometimes work feels like it's endless but I do enjoy you. My coworkers are great people, my direct supervisor is understanding and a sweetheart, the principals are amazing men and it feels like it could be like family here for me eventually. I hope as I continue to learn things and grow with the company that I feel the same way.
Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send . - Tue Oct 10, 2017 3:29 am
I know I've written about this before, but god damnit, I will again a 1000 times until I finally get it out of my system.
These emotions I'm having towards you are really confusing.
I feel like there's more feelings in your direction than there should be.
If I didn't know better, I'd say you were becoming a small obsession of mine. Or maybe I don't know better...
The logical part of me doesn't want you to ever know about it, and I refuse to act on the feelings anyways, but there's a small part of me that still wishes you'll one day guess it and confront me about it, if nothing else, to give me a chance to explain myself.
I don't want you to know how I feel because I fear it would ruin your trust in me, and ruin the dynamic of our friendship. I'm happy/content with the way things are.
But... Like I said. A small part of me still wishes you'll one day wonder about it and give me the opportunity to explain it without me having to be the one to bring it up.
I'm not going to be all petty and drop small hints. I don't play games, I'm way too old for that shit. I promise you I will never (consciously) do anything that could potentially harm our friendship.
I don't want to lose you.
I will rather stand on the sidelines and be the best friend forever than jump into something that may or may not end things prematurely, and then wind up not having you in my life.
You're too valuable to me to risk it.
Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send . - Tue Oct 24, 2017 11:40 am
Hello you. We haven't had a heart-to-heart in a while.
You need to stop what you're doing and think about yourself.
You're doing it again, that thing where you throw yourself away and sacrifice everything for someone who's not willing to do the same for you, and it HAS to stop.
He doesn't feel that way about you. You'll always be the "sister", the "girl next door" to him, and nothing else. Girl, you need to move on.
I'm not saying you need to focus your energy on someone else, there doesn't have to be anyone. But you need to divert it away from him. It's not worth it.
Your feelings for him are not necessary, they're not logical, they're not going to produce anything positive.
You think you want him, but what if all you want is the idea of him? What if you're crushing on crushing, if that makes sense?
You like the fantasy, but there will never be a real deal. HE. DOESN'T. LOVE. YOU. LIKE. THAT.
Realise it. Accept it. Deal with it.
Love yourself. Focus on yourself.
Take care of yourself. Put yourself first, not someone else.
Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send . - Sun Nov 05, 2017 6:48 pm
Awhile back, you were a douche to me, saying I was too negative when I was trying to not get to down in the dumps and all. I was trying to keep that out of our rps and conversations....what you did and said, mostly ruined this website for me. And rping...I now only do it to waste time, I no longer enjoy it...it's just something to keep my mind occupied....thanks to you...because I can't afford to put that much energy and creativity into multiple things to see them all fall apart at once. So...I essentially enjoy nothing but food now and you were start of that. Not all of it, but without you, I doubt I would be as depressed (though probably still very depressed) as I am today...who knows? Either way, it is what it is. I just checked your page because I do miss our rps, though I don't miss you...and you haven't even been on in forever. Is it bad that part of me is happy about that....even though I rarely get on or post or do anything here anymore?
For every one of us, there's an army of them
But you'll never fight alone
'Cause I wanted you to know
That the world is ugly
But you're beautiful to me.
Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send . - Sun Nov 12, 2017 10:52 pm
wow. it's been a while since the last letter. i know people usually stop doing this kind of thing, move on, don't think about it again, or if they do they just keep it to themself so they don't give in and keep the cycle going. well, i'm keeping the cycle going. i'm in college for creative writing now, something i don't think would have been easily found without your influence. i think you'd be surprised, and maybe even a little proud, if you saw me now.
compare it to me six, seven years ago and it's really something. i still think about the last time we talked. 2009, i believe. eight years, if my limited math abilities are right. that's a long time. it's enough time to grow up, change identities, figure out who you are and then be comfortable with yourself enough to say it. i go by emmett now, even though when i was on here i didn't go by my old name. i'd probably still let you call me kairi, since anything else would feel kinda weird.
i dont know what happened to you. i don't know why you didn't post the next day, why you just...disappeared. i don't know why i can't stop thinking about it, either.
closure is what i want, i think, but i'm not going to get it. i hope you're happy. i hope you got to achieve any and all dreams you had. i'll be thinking about you again, i think, come december. the fifth was the last time i talked to you, eight years ago albeit.
i'll be thinking of you for a while. i don't know if i'll stop, since you kind of just pop into my head at random times. because of you, i think i can actually accomplish doing something i enjoy now. thank you. thank you so much.
Call me Em or Emmett!
If I'm not on here and you want to talk, try my tumblr!
Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send . - Wed Jul 11, 2018 5:59 am
I'll be finding out more today, but from what I can gather on my own, next week will be our last session. I can't afford $130 a session, and I'd have to have about 31 sessions before I hit the deductible for my new insurance to kick in since you're out of network now. It really sucks because we were about to start an new treatment. I'm not going to find someone else because I detest having to start over with someone else, I despise having to try and get someone else caught up with what's going on so they can figure out what to do. I trust you, and you're the only person I want to go to. Hopefully pole and finding other things to do will work until I figure something out. Maybe if I can get that s#@! added to my VA thing, maybe then I'll be able to see you again. I really don't know.
Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send . - Sun Oct 07, 2018 11:50 pm
I know we haven't talked in quite a while. I took some time to calm myself down from when you last wrote.
Even though I desperately felt the need to reply when you wrote why you have been avoiding me for so long, I was reminded by my friends, all of the people you forsook, that it's better to leave it alone and wish you a happy life without me. I agreed for some time but could never really get that last letter out of my head.
It aggravated me, so much. I felt like I was worth nothing in your eyes, like all of those years we where best friends meant nothing in the end.
So I'm going to reply now, it has been long overdue.
And also, take this with a grain of salt, this was never meant to hurt you. I always wanted to be your friend, never your foe.
First of, I never said anything bad about your girlfriend. It was always you.
I remember so many times you just completely broke down whenever she would yell at you for the smallest of things and I was always there, picking up the pieces of you. She made you miserable and you continued to complain for 4 years. You had panic attacks and cried till you got nosebleed and screamed and still you went back to her because of love. I had it, after some time, I was honest with you and told you that if you didn't want to be sad, maybe you should evaluate your relationship and see if its really worth being together anymore. You didn't deserve to be unhappy, neither did she.
When I moved to ____ I know stuff didn't always go well. I skipped alot of training sessions, I know. I didn't go to the gym like I was supposed to but you never once stopped to ask why I wouldn't come. You would always be disappointed in me and look at me irritated for a week or more when I told you I couldn't make it.
Most of the times, I was at home. Crying my eyes out, cause the thought of getting out after having such anxiety attacks, panic attacks, getting mentally abused by boyfriend almost everyday and taking care of you and your problems almost killed me. I don't know how many times I just wanted to lay on the floor and hope that I will rot away, because I couldn't take it anymore. I was depressed, paranoid, suicidal and overall empty but I could never say that to anyone like you could.
And never once did you ask me how I felt, just gave me harsh feelings for not going to the gym.
For not being healthy or social. And never asking why either.
And lastly, you avoided me. I know you have been avoiding me for months now but you have been avoiding me for almost 4 years when it comes to our friendship.
Everytime something slipped your mind or made you feel uncomfortable, it was always my fault. I know it was, and I was willing to take responsibility if you only would talk to me about anything I did. Never once did I hear a complaint, an argument or anything that was wrong or that I did wrong. You always kept it inside.
The only way I ever got to hear anything is if someone told me that you told them about this or if your girlfriend just suddenly jumped on me with allegations of being the worst person in the world because I made you feel uncomfortable. I never got to discuss it with you, it was always through other people and it never ended good.
You were never honest with me, at least not till it was too late.
I loved you, you where my best friend once. The more I think of it though, I realize that it was only a smokescreen. It was never real and it can never and will never be real. You were never a friend, just empty promises.
And I'm so sorry to have ever made you feel like this is what a friendship should be like.
I hope you find your way in the future though and that you will grow out of your childish behaviors. Like I said before, take this with a grain of salt. I hate how you have acted for so long, I'm not the only one who's friendship you severed of completely. But I can never say that I hate you, cause I don't. You can be a good, resonable person, you have just forgotten how.
There is so much more I wanna say to you, but I don't think that's necessary anymore. None of this is.
Hope you will find your way in life and be happy again.
I mean it.
- Your former best friend.
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