Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send . - Wed Mar 15, 2017 3:56 am
I had hoped to see you very soon but you're not giving me any feelings that i will. You promised me you'd come to me, but now, i don't know anymore.
I just wish i could be with you like how i used to, it was the best time of my like and it could still be the best time if you'd just come, you mean so much to me, you're the best guy in the world.
Please come to me. <3
Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send . - Wed Mar 29, 2017 3:22 am
I'm too realistic. I try to be positive and cheer my sister on, but I know that the most likely thing to happen is that you won't have time to read our letters and you definitely won't reply. I wish I could stop myself from hoping deep down inside that somehow my words will reach you and mean something to you; that they will stay in your heart and that you will wear the bracelet I made you. I am pathetic. I've always known that. There is no chance you will ever even know I am alive, let alone fall in love with me, but I love you so much; so deeply and so completely. I can't help hoping that maybe I will finally get what I want in this life, for once. No matter what happens, I will continue to cheer you on and support you. I hope you at least know that; that you feel it in your heart that there is someone out there who will always be cheering you on. You make me want to be a better person, to finally start my life again. I don't know where to start, but I know that as long as you are out there, I will still want to try. Mark, I want to be with you so bad. I wish I was good enough, that I wasn't ugly and that I wasn't younger than your ideal age to date. Never have I ever wished so much to be a few years older than I am.
But, even if you find happiness in a person who isn't me, I will support you. When the others inevitably become rude to them and to you, I will stand by you both. I know that if you love them, they are a good person, so I will cheer both of you on and continue wishing for only your happiness! I love you. I love you so much my heart hurts when I think about how I can't be with you. When I think about how far away we are from each other and how hard it would be to reach you, it crushes me.
I wouldn't want so badly to close that distance for anyone else. You are unlike anyone else I have ever loved. You are very special to me and I hope you always find reasons to smile. Keep your head up you beautiful beautiful person.
With all my love,
Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send . - Sat Apr 08, 2017 8:37 pm
It's so disheartening knowing that for every 2 steps I take forward, the majority of people (in my eyes) of approximately the same level of knowledge, etc. as me only need to take 1 step to get to the same point. I feel like I have to do twice as much work on the exact same tasks, and it's so depressing. Why I am this way? I blame it on my age but really that shouldn't matter too much. It's only a difference of a few/several months at most.
I can say I'll try to keep my chin up and eyes open to see the opportunities that are available to me, but.. I do think this is what i want to do with my life. Definitely not writing. Evidently not writing … I guess this is a sign to me early on in life to try to avoid in the future? Because I could absolutely get better if I practice, and this is good practice. But some things I'm just not good at. And I guess there have been signs throughout my education pointing to my shitty writing skills. The world is warning me. I can only hope that my future job(s) don't require me to write super formally, or worse, scientifically…..
I hate you so much. You literally make my blood boil. Holy shit I hope I never have to deal with you again. Small talk/catch up in the future? Sure. Work with you? No, never. I might prefer breaking a leg over that. I hope other people see how shitty you are because I can't be the only one that has ever had to deal with this :) if it's happened on multiple occasions then smthng must be wrong with u lol
Fuck ya, peace
Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send . - Mon Apr 10, 2017 12:04 pm
I am very upset with you. I have always been. I am mad I am mad I am mad and I can't tell you because I can't look at you or talk to you. You ruined my trust in everything. It makes me even madder when I think that maybe you don't know why exactly I broke up with you. How would you know that you ruined Matt's sister's life? I doubt he told you, he was very pissed at you. She cried in her room for that entire week; you hurt someone and hurt me by extension. How could you? And then YOU ASKED ME WHY. YOU ASKED ME IF THAT WAS THE ONLY REASON WHY. DID I NEED ANOTHER REASON? HOW DARE YOU HOW DARE YOU HOW. DARE. YOU.
how dare you.
stop drinking, you're terrible at being a good person.
Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send . - Wed Apr 12, 2017 9:31 pm
Life is not what you want it to be. Even though you want to, you cannot just go around and laugh and make memories, listening to Ultralife - Oh Wonder, and reminiscing about it in your later, graduating years, after high school. Or can you? Should I be focused on school like I'm told? Or should I be able to feel free to do what I want to do? Will I be successful? Or rather, won't I make it in life eventually, anyways? To live "The American Dream,".. Oh, how I would love to live that. I wish there wasn't such a strain on children nowadays to excel in school. Days now are literally just school and studies, with some fun on the side. Should it not be the other way around? The ideal plan for life does not seem so ideal. Study hard during school. Work hard. Harder. Get those 5s on those AP tests. Get into a 4 year university. Get a job. Find your other. Live the rest of your life. It just seems so routine. Have fun in your early years. Do things so that you can later reminisce about them. It doesn't matter if you don't do extremely well in school. That reminiscing feeling is the greatest feeling you'll ever have. Go, and enjoy practices with Team Black. Go to Starbucks after school with your friends. Hang out more. Go to socials. Don't worry about school too much. Design your future dorm room. Hate saturday practices, and never regret them years later. Remember these things. Understand the sentiment in all things. Live your life in this mindset. Love the tiring memories you wish you know you'd never regret. Live your life the way you want to. Live your life full of memories. Live life elevated. Live ULTRALIFE.
i'll search the universe
until i can find you again
Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send . - Thu Apr 13, 2017 7:48 am
I still haven't gathered the courage to tell you how your recent actions have made me feel, and I hate myself for it.
I hate myself for letting you treat me this way, and I hate myself for feeling this low whenever we're apart because I have so many mixed feelings.
I care for you, but this can't go on. I need to get the courage to tell you how you should be treating me before a serious rift happens in our friendship.
Please please please realise that you're making it worse with your behaviour, and that the stress of constantly trying to please you is taking a serious toll on my mental health.
Please stop being a dick. I know you don't mean to, but I need you to realise your actions have consequences for other people. I need you to grow some empathy even though you claim you have plenty.
Sincerely, someone who hopes to still be your friend in the future.
Join the Roliana Discord! https://discord.gg/Sp9EgKz
Hey, how about adding me on steam? The name's Novachii :3
Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send . - Sun Apr 30, 2017 5:33 am
You hurt me a lot. I don't think you even realized. I was a wreck for months while you went back and forth between leaving, telling me I was rejecting you, and telling me you needed me. You called me manipulative, then literally subtitled what I had written to you to make it seem like my intent was different than from what it was. You judged me for going to a therapist and told me to sort out my problems on my own. When I tried to take some distance from you to do exactly that without your involvement, you got upset.
You made me do things I was not comfortable with. You got angry when my life wasn't playing out the way that would have suited you. You said you'd be there for me, then got passive agressive and mean when I didn't reach out to you. I told you I needed time.
You went quiet. You put me in an incredibly shitty position emotionally, and I don't believe for a second you weren't aware. In fact, you told me you knew. You told me "not to let my insecurities take over". How could I not, the way you treated me? And still, not a single apology. No answer when I asked you to tell me what you wanted me to do, what you felt about the whole thing. I'm guessing I'm still not a real person to you. Every time I try to tell you, you deflect. I'm beginning to suspect you don't want me to be. Maybe that wouldn't fit in with how you see things.
I'm writing this as a way to vent all my frustrations because I still want to believe you didn't do all of this on purpose. I realize everything went out of hand and that I was at fault to a large degree and people act badly when they're upset - and you are generally a rather lovely person. But I never got a chance to call you out on the shit you pulled on me so I'll do it here, semi-anonymously, hoping I can stop feeling used and angry and scared every time I think about you. Maybe you'll find this some day and be really pissed off. I doubt it. If you do, hi.
I'm mostly writing this because I want to just shed it from my mind and leave it behind, and it wouldn't be fair to tell it to you and just rip things open again for no reason. Whether we keep in touch or not, I want to get all this high school level drama out of my life, out of my mind.
And if I'm lucky, I have a date that I don't want to fuck up by thinking back on how things went wrong or by holding on to any frustrations.
Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send . - Wed May 10, 2017 10:51 pm
Jealousy is a natural emotion. You're absolutely going to & have experienced the feeling. I think you're jealous because you wish you could have/experience what other people are going to/have. You are absolutely capable of having the same experiences. You've saved the money; you just need the time to do it. And right now you're focusing on one thing so just chin up and work hard at making a living and getting work experience. Life is non-linear and different for everybody. The pathway you're carving for yourself can and will be whatever you make of it. Don't beat yourself up for what it is.
Also, while you hold something in high standards, everybody else has the same right to do so as well. You don't have to prove that you're more obsessed/like it more than other people. That's petty. Be happy that people like the same things you do! Otherwise you could feel bad liking those things.
Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send . - Sat May 27, 2017 12:51 am
you broke my heart when you stopped careing, you stepped on the shards of it when you stopped holding me, you stoped the remains into the earth whn you finnaly told me you no longer loved me. you promiced you would take care of me after i got hurt, you said that you would be there for me. help me. i should have known that it would be a lie. you have always done this to me since the day i met you so long ago now. but like a fool i have stuck by you. even now i am still liveing with you. i have no where lese to go, you know that. sometimes i wonder if you did this to me on purpiouse. made sure that i had no one to turn to so that i would have to remain at your side. i know that once you leave , once you go to your new girlfriend you will leave me here alone in a home that i can not pay for. in a home i can not take care off. you will leave me here to rot. to be thrown out and to be homeless. and yet i still cannot hate you, though with everything that i am i wish i could. i have lost everything sticking beside you and now this is what has happened. how i wish i could speak to my younger self and simply tell her to keep her distance from you. that you will fo nothing but hurt her. but that is something that i cant do. i must live with the life that i have made for myself. while you go off to find you happyness with someone much more then i.
Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send . - Mon May 29, 2017 7:29 pm
i'm a little sad.. i get that maybe you're still mad over something you really shouldn't be mad over. apparently, this has happened three or four times now.. and i didn't even know about the first two times. you blame me for something that i cannot fix, which i find unfair. you continue to play on without me and i feel quite excluded... knowing who you are, i really thought that you would forgive me..(even though it should be me having to forgive you.) i just really don't understand.. it's been too long. we barely play together anymore and you always see that i'm on. i feel like i can't even talk to the either of you anymore.. you tell me, "we're full, sorry..", but i used to be invited first. but that's all in the past.. playing games.. it feels empty now. i'm not too sure how you could throw out all of our memories so easily.. it really makes me sad. you think that it's me, but i think that it's you. i hope you come to your senses soon. i miss playing with you guys.
i'll search the universe
until i can find you again
Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send . - Fri Jun 16, 2017 9:50 pm
For every one of us, there's an army of them
But you'll never fight alone
'Cause I wanted you to know
That the world is ugly
But you're beautiful to me.
Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send . - Mon Jun 19, 2017 11:11 am
We must have a lot more in common than either of us knows. You must be insecure in some aspect if you have to continuously gloat about what you're doing. Or it's me, and you simply love tweeting... I mean, sharing every single detail of your life with me. I hope one day we can share our intentions/hidden feelings with each other and sort this out. It's been going on for too long honestly.
Can I get a break please? I mean, sure, I'm ON a break right now, but a break in life. This has been ongoing for months (plural).... I don't know how much longer I can and will have to last. This can't and shouldn't all be about my 'bad luck.' Please. Please, please. I'm begging someone. I don't have words even, this is how done I am.
Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send . - Fri Jul 14, 2017 12:25 pm
I freaking love your guts. I know we are working on our relationship, I know you're going through a lot with your new job and all, it's frustrating as anything. To go from talking about living together next month, then be blindsided by you telling me one reason you're hesitant is because I jump to extremes (your words though were emotionally unstable at the time), then for you to say you'll be home when I'm at your apartment... well it leaves me upset and confused. Like what do you want to do? I don't want to keep bringing it up because that will definitely cause more issues, so I'll just wait until I see you again and hope that what we are doing gets figured out soon. Neither of us really has time to wait, and I hope you understand that.
I really do love your guts,
Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send . - Fri Aug 04, 2017 7:03 am
You tell me I don't have a clue. When things in your life gets rocky, I'm usually the emotional punching bag and you don't even see it. Maybe you do, you asked me a few weeks ago if you were being abusive and at the time I said no. After thinking about what's been going on more and more (you haven't had time to even bother saying I love you so I've had a lot of time to think), your behavior is in fact abusive. You're beginning to exhibit controlling habits, you act like I don't have any idea of what you are going through and you make accusations that make no sense. Saying I'm going to leave you alone is far from jumping to extremes, it's a rational response to someone that is emotionally distancing them self from you and said they needed to think on things. Getting upset when you essentially say it's my fault you don't want to live with me, then saying it isn't my fault is natural. Being upset and confused because you don't have your shit together and you keep giving mixed messages, that's natural. You underestimate how much I actually understand and my actual intelligence. I have been turning a blind eye to some things for the sake of your privacy and to give you a chance to talk to me. Instead you blame things on me, then yourself. Instead you mask the true issue (in the case of us not living together the actual problem is more than likely because of YOUR fiances and has nothing to do with me), you have shown me on multiple occasions that I'm not as important as you say I am. Or maybe I am, and you're just used to the fact that I will literally be there no matter what. Except, I don't know how much more I'm willing to deal with. You've been saying very little to me for two weeks now, in those two weeks you've said I love you once. Great way to make someone that you have consistently said you need feel loved. Even though I feel hurt, upset and yeah I am mad at you, as soon as I found out you were having housing issues I did what I could to try and find places according to what you needed. Even when I'm mad at you, I'll make sure you have a hot meal, that I help out around YOUR apartment because you said things like that make you feel loved. What is so hard to understand? I'm not the crazy emotional person you make me feel like. I'm not the irrational bitch you make me feel like. I am emotional, I'm not crazy though and I tend to make logical sense regardless of how upset or mad I may be. The issues we are having are your own doing, they are a result of your own actions and words, and every time I try to bring it to your attention I'm the crazy one jumping to extremes. Open your fucking eyes, pull your head out of your ass and make up your damn mind. I'm so stressed and exhausted and you don't even seem to see that. Just, ugh I'm so done with this shit. Talk to me when you feel like actually acting like my mate and when you're ready for an actual relationship, because if you stick with me you have a real ride or die bitch. Like you have someone that will actually be there for you through anything, and you need to realize what you're literally three seconds from losing.
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