Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send . - Mon Aug 07, 2017 12:16 pm
It won't cut it, and I am not asking you to trust me or forgive me. I just want you to know that I wish this didn't happen. It makes it worse to know I could've made another choice and I didn't. If you wonder why I did this, the reason is this: I was scared. I was angry. You've turned my head around and around over the past 8 months. Love confessions in one second, rejection and anger the next. Being lovely for a few days, then lashing out at me and telling me I'm not enough. And then you blamed it all on me. "You don't trust me." "You're manipulative". And I scraped and apologized and started accordingly hating myself because I couldn't make you happy. I couldn't even be happy. You left for others (you needn't tell me, I knew. It was transparent, as I'm sure you were aware) and came back wondering why I didn't chase you. Keeping me at arms length but always letting me fight to defuse you.
I felt insane. I felt lost. I was tired already. When you came back that last time, after a damn week of silence, after building me up and making me laugh in the night just a day before, I realized I couldn't handle another round. We'd argue, things would return to nothing, I'd wonder what I was doing wrong for the rest of my life.
I think I began to understand then why someone else did this to you before. I hope you understand someday. I think I began to feel that panic that builds up when you realize someone doesn't really want you but also doesn't want to let you go. Serves me right, I suppose.
I didn't trust you fully no, even though I wanted to. Trust doesn't just happen because you demand it, it needs to build in time. In my own time. I could never even trust what you said. You told me you loved me but didn't really show it. You left, you told me you were done, and apparently you weren't. Two long, angry, broken emails told me you weren't done at all.
I am. Not because I want to hurt you, but because I need to stop hurting myself with this. I loved you, way too much, and it sucked.
Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send . - Tue Aug 15, 2017 10:13 am
Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send . - Fri Aug 18, 2017 12:57 am
I feel incredibly sad that you left us the way you did.
I can't help but feel a little angry with you, even though I know it's unreasonable and selfish of me, and that makes me sad also.
I went to your funeral yesterday. I didn't cry, but I got damn close. I hugged people, I shook hands, and I went to your wake, talking to people about you and the memories of you.
It hurts. I know we weren't that close, but I still cared about you, and I have fond memories of you.
My heart bleeds for the children you left behind, and for your husband who has to put on a brave face for them. I feel so bad.
I know there was nothing I could have done to help you, there was nothing anyone could do, but part of me still wishes you wouldn't have given up on helping yourself.
I can't believe I'm at that age where I go to funerals because I want to, not because a family member died and I have to.
Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send . - Tue Sep 12, 2017 12:28 pm
I really am glad we were able to work things out. I know things are really rough for you because you're unemployed and homeless. I promise, I'll keep doing what I can to help. Weather it's keeping an ear out for job openings, letting you sleep at my place (even though I live with my aunt and she has no idea as far as I know), whatever I can do to help you get on your feet I will do. I know you would do what you could if I was in a similar position. You always have me in your corner, no matter what just don't push me away. That's when the real trouble starts. I really do love you to the moon and back, and I know you'll get through this.
You are so fucking stressful sometimes with people asking me to get files when they haven't even bothered to look themselves for it, how the filing that needs to be done tends to pile up, and how sometimes work feels like it's endless but I do enjoy you. My coworkers are great people, my direct supervisor is understanding and a sweetheart, the principals are amazing men and it feels like it could be like family here for me eventually. I hope as I continue to learn things and grow with the company that I feel the same way.
Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send . - Tue Oct 10, 2017 3:29 am
I know I've written about this before, but god damnit, I will again a 1000 times until I finally get it out of my system.
These emotions I'm having towards you are really confusing.
I feel like there's more feelings in your direction than there should be.
If I didn't know better, I'd say you were becoming a small obsession of mine. Or maybe I don't know better...
The logical part of me doesn't want you to ever know about it, and I refuse to act on the feelings anyways, but there's a small part of me that still wishes you'll one day guess it and confront me about it, if nothing else, to give me a chance to explain myself.
I don't want you to know how I feel because I fear it would ruin your trust in me, and ruin the dynamic of our friendship. I'm happy/content with the way things are.
But... Like I said. A small part of me still wishes you'll one day wonder about it and give me the opportunity to explain it without me having to be the one to bring it up.
I'm not going to be all petty and drop small hints. I don't play games, I'm way too old for that shit. I promise you I will never (consciously) do anything that could potentially harm our friendship.
I don't want to lose you.
I will rather stand on the sidelines and be the best friend forever than jump into something that may or may not end things prematurely, and then wind up not having you in my life.
You're too valuable to me to risk it.
Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send . - Tue Oct 24, 2017 11:40 am
Hello you. We haven't had a heart-to-heart in a while.
You need to stop what you're doing and think about yourself.
You're doing it again, that thing where you throw yourself away and sacrifice everything for someone who's not willing to do the same for you, and it HAS to stop.
He doesn't feel that way about you. You'll always be the "sister", the "girl next door" to him, and nothing else. Girl, you need to move on.
I'm not saying you need to focus your energy on someone else, there doesn't have to be anyone. But you need to divert it away from him. It's not worth it.
Your feelings for him are not necessary, they're not logical, they're not going to produce anything positive.
You think you want him, but what if all you want is the idea of him? What if you're crushing on crushing, if that makes sense?
You like the fantasy, but there will never be a real deal. HE. DOESN'T. LOVE. YOU. LIKE. THAT.
Realise it. Accept it. Deal with it.
Love yourself. Focus on yourself.
Take care of yourself. Put yourself first, not someone else.
Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send . - Sun Nov 05, 2017 6:48 pm
Awhile back, you were a douche to me, saying I was too negative when I was trying to not get to down in the dumps and all. I was trying to keep that out of our rps and conversations....what you did and said, mostly ruined this website for me. And rping...I now only do it to waste time, I no longer enjoy it...it's just something to keep my mind occupied....thanks to you...because I can't afford to put that much energy and creativity into multiple things to see them all fall apart at once. So...I essentially enjoy nothing but food now and you were start of that. Not all of it, but without you, I doubt I would be as depressed (though probably still very depressed) as I am today...who knows? Either way, it is what it is. I just checked your page because I do miss our rps, though I don't miss you...and you haven't even been on in forever. Is it bad that part of me is happy about that....even though I rarely get on or post or do anything here anymore?
For every one of us, there's an army of them
But you'll never fight alone
'Cause I wanted you to know
That the world is ugly
But you're beautiful to me.
Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send . - Sun Nov 12, 2017 10:52 pm
wow. it's been a while since the last letter. i know people usually stop doing this kind of thing, move on, don't think about it again, or if they do they just keep it to themself so they don't give in and keep the cycle going. well, i'm keeping the cycle going. i'm in college for creative writing now, something i don't think would have been easily found without your influence. i think you'd be surprised, and maybe even a little proud, if you saw me now.
compare it to me six, seven years ago and it's really something. i still think about the last time we talked. 2009, i believe. eight years, if my limited math abilities are right. that's a long time. it's enough time to grow up, change identities, figure out who you are and then be comfortable with yourself enough to say it. i go by emmett now, even though when i was on here i didn't go by my old name. i'd probably still let you call me kairi, since anything else would feel kinda weird.
i dont know what happened to you. i don't know why you didn't post the next day, why you just...disappeared. i don't know why i can't stop thinking about it, either.
closure is what i want, i think, but i'm not going to get it. i hope you're happy. i hope you got to achieve any and all dreams you had. i'll be thinking about you again, i think, come december. the fifth was the last time i talked to you, eight years ago albeit.
i'll be thinking of you for a while. i don't know if i'll stop, since you kind of just pop into my head at random times. because of you, i think i can actually accomplish doing something i enjoy now. thank you. thank you so much.
Call me Em or Emmett!
If I'm not on here and you want to talk, try my tumblr!
Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send . - Wed Jul 11, 2018 5:59 am
I'll be finding out more today, but from what I can gather on my own, next week will be our last session. I can't afford $130 a session, and I'd have to have about 31 sessions before I hit the deductible for my new insurance to kick in since you're out of network now. It really sucks because we were about to start an new treatment. I'm not going to find someone else because I detest having to start over with someone else, I despise having to try and get someone else caught up with what's going on so they can figure out what to do. I trust you, and you're the only person I want to go to. Hopefully pole and finding other things to do will work until I figure something out. Maybe if I can get that s#@! added to my VA thing, maybe then I'll be able to see you again. I really don't know.
Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send . - Sun Oct 07, 2018 11:50 pm
I know we haven't talked in quite a while. I took some time to calm myself down from when you last wrote.
Even though I desperately felt the need to reply when you wrote why you have been avoiding me for so long, I was reminded by my friends, all of the people you forsook, that it's better to leave it alone and wish you a happy life without me. I agreed for some time but could never really get that last letter out of my head.
It aggravated me, so much. I felt like I was worth nothing in your eyes, like all of those years we where best friends meant nothing in the end.
So I'm going to reply now, it has been long overdue.
And also, take this with a grain of salt, this was never meant to hurt you. I always wanted to be your friend, never your foe.
First of, I never said anything bad about your girlfriend. It was always you.
I remember so many times you just completely broke down whenever she would yell at you for the smallest of things and I was always there, picking up the pieces of you. She made you miserable and you continued to complain for 4 years. You had panic attacks and cried till you got nosebleed and screamed and still you went back to her because of love. I had it, after some time, I was honest with you and told you that if you didn't want to be sad, maybe you should evaluate your relationship and see if its really worth being together anymore. You didn't deserve to be unhappy, neither did she.
When I moved to ____ I know stuff didn't always go well. I skipped alot of training sessions, I know. I didn't go to the gym like I was supposed to but you never once stopped to ask why I wouldn't come. You would always be disappointed in me and look at me irritated for a week or more when I told you I couldn't make it.
Most of the times, I was at home. Crying my eyes out, cause the thought of getting out after having such anxiety attacks, panic attacks, getting mentally abused by boyfriend almost everyday and taking care of you and your problems almost killed me. I don't know how many times I just wanted to lay on the floor and hope that I will rot away, because I couldn't take it anymore. I was depressed, paranoid, suicidal and overall empty but I could never say that to anyone like you could.
And never once did you ask me how I felt, just gave me harsh feelings for not going to the gym.
For not being healthy or social. And never asking why either.
And lastly, you avoided me. I know you have been avoiding me for months now but you have been avoiding me for almost 4 years when it comes to our friendship.
Everytime something slipped your mind or made you feel uncomfortable, it was always my fault. I know it was, and I was willing to take responsibility if you only would talk to me about anything I did. Never once did I hear a complaint, an argument or anything that was wrong or that I did wrong. You always kept it inside.
The only way I ever got to hear anything is if someone told me that you told them about this or if your girlfriend just suddenly jumped on me with allegations of being the worst person in the world because I made you feel uncomfortable. I never got to discuss it with you, it was always through other people and it never ended good.
You were never honest with me, at least not till it was too late.
I loved you, you where my best friend once. The more I think of it though, I realize that it was only a smokescreen. It was never real and it can never and will never be real. You were never a friend, just empty promises.
And I'm so sorry to have ever made you feel like this is what a friendship should be like.
I hope you find your way in the future though and that you will grow out of your childish behaviors. Like I said before, take this with a grain of salt. I hate how you have acted for so long, I'm not the only one who's friendship you severed of completely. But I can never say that I hate you, cause I don't. You can be a good, resonable person, you have just forgotten how.
There is so much more I wanna say to you, but I don't think that's necessary anymore. None of this is.
Hope you will find your way in life and be happy again.
I mean it.
- Your former best friend.
Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send . - Tue Nov 20, 2018 8:04 am
I'm pissed with you. Your husband does that to our sister, and you take his side. "Oh he was crying and everything," ever think he was crying because he got caught? Because he realized he fucked up a good deal he had going on? Of course not, you just blame our sister and call her a whore. I can't stand being around your husband and I can barely tolerate being around you. When you confronted us about it at our youngest sister's birthday, the way you spoke to me was totally uncalled for. You are talking to someone who actually understands what you are dealing with because I actually have PTSD. I have been living with it for a few years now! I even tried talking about it when I got home from the military, and I was met with "don't talk about that," yet it was okay for you to go into very graphic detail of what you were told. It's disgusting the way you treat us, and I really just play nice at this point to try and have some semblance of normalcy. You and your husband can piss off.
I'm really sorry that happened to you. I understand because I have been in a similar situation. I'm glad we're talking again, and I hope our relationship as sisters can continue to improve. We used to be best friends until I started dating. I want you to know I am here for you.
Just because you're the youngest doesn't mean you can sit there and act like a b!@#*. You'll sit there and tell us how we need to clean the house, yet while you were living there and unemployed you didn't do anything. You sit there trying to tell everyone how to live their lives, and you expect everyone your age and older to have their sh!# together, when you aren't even close to having yours together. Knock it off because we are really getting sick of putting up with you.
I don't even know where to stat. I am beyond pissed off. I had been in boot camp barely two months when you started cheating on me. Facebook just did that "On this Day 4 years Ago" and it was Family Day. You were in some of the pictures and the fact that you ghosted me nine months ago, it still stings a bit. I'm pissed off because you sat there talking about a future and all that. Ever time we had issues you acted like you were trying to fix it and I should have known better because it ALWAYS boiled down to your inability to communicate what was going on. You always blamed your lack of communication on me and my responses, and honestly I didn't do anything wrong. I was constantly trying new approaches, asking what I could do so you felt like you could communicate with me effectively. None of it worked and somehow it was still my fault. You wanted a polyamorous relationship and I told you why I was apprehensive to do so, but also told you as long as we took things slow with it I was okay with it. Yet you would still bring up how it was something you needed and how my apprehension bothered you. What was I supposed to do? Act like I was 100% okay with it? I was honest, I communicated my feelings about it and told you what we could to so that I had a chance to learn how the relationship would go and so that we could find out if it was something I was okay with or not. You ended up homeless again, and I let you live in the room I had at my aunt's house. I helped pay your bills, I made sure you had food even though you always wanted the more expensive options. I made it work financially even when I wasn't sure how to make it work I did. Then you ghost me? Seriously? More than likely the only woman who would sit there and put up with that, and make sure you're good even when she isn't? Then when your friend hits me up for a D&D game she wants to start up eventually, months afterwards I let her know why I was wary of her. She obviously spoke to you about it because she said you told her I took your words out of context. She assured me that she didn't understand how you take that out of context. That honestly just confirms that you are willing to try and smear my name despite the fact I was literally just taking care of you and trying to make sure you were good even when I was struggling. It clearly tells me you were just using me and taking advantage of me. It hurts like a mother, but I know with time I will move one.
I was honestly a bit wary when you got in touch with me about D&D months ago. I was told you were manipulative and you were compared to a woman who was described as "chaos incarnate." I'm now wondering how much of that is true, but you seem to genuinely want to foster a friendship with me. So I will try. I am sorry my ex was a jerk to you. For him to call you manipulative when you were trying to help him one of the times he was homeless, I understand what that feels like. If I ever get good enough at sewing where I am confident in my abilities we will definitely open that Etsy shop together. The way I see it you can sell your art as is, and for those willing to pay a little more I can get custom made fabric with your art on it.
Please for the love of God or whoever you believe in leave Ed. You are so much better than that and you deserve a lot better. Don't just settle because you're afraid to be alone. Also I love you, but yeah you need to find your self worth and not settle for anything less than the best for yourself.
And to myself
Hopefully this helps me a bit. I know Ki will be a reoccurring one until I heal from that wound. I know this month is gonna be rough for you. A lot happened this month. This is the month you graduated from boot camp. Two weeks from now is when you were assaulted. I don't remember if it was this month or a few weeks from now that you found out about the first time Ki cheated on you. Regardless, it feels like a lot happened in and around November. Hold your head up high and do what you can to focus and keep moving forward because girl you are killin it! Love yo self and don't settle for anything or anyone less than the best because you deserve so damn much.
Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send . - Thu Jan 24, 2019 3:19 am
We broke up 6 months ago after almost a year together, things didn't go as planned or hoped, we agreed to be friends. I thought it would've been after some space, but you kept contacting every now and then like every 2 weeks to every week. I kept in contact as well as I didn't know what was going on. It was either a question on something random or a screenshot of some other conversation. Felt like I can't just ignore it or not answer your question. And these conversations used to run either a few hours or at least an hour. So this amount of contact made me think ok, so we are friends. But you're giving off weird signals as well. Maybe I'm looking too much into things but it's confusing but I'm just going with the flow. Sometimes you'd go silent then or just seem to be put off by something and honestly I feel like you wouldn't act this way with other people. I don't know why it's with me. We went on another holiday then, as friends, just due to the circumstances involved and it went very well, I thought. I think you enjoyed it as well and again you acted as if you cared for me more than you let on. Now after Christmas after I've told you because I saw how stressed you seemed at work, that I started a convo with you because I just wanted to ask if you were ok. You seemed annoyed and reconfirmed that we're just friends. Um, yea! I know we're just friends because this is what we had agreed when we broke up? I'm pretty sure I can show concern for a friend, as to me that is what friends do. I didn't say it explain myself but I don't think I need to explain how friendship works.
So now you're not responding to my concern for you and avoiding me at work. Yea we have to work in the same place, it's grand, since my new position I'm in, no longer as stressed and it being a huge negative impact on my life and mental health. It's going onto 3 weeks of no contact. Sooner or later you're going to reach out, because this has become a cycle now, but when you do, unless it's an emergency or you need help, I'm not going to respond, I can't anymore, I can't do this to myself anymore, because I never know how the conversation is going to end, on a good or bad note. (Honestly, I'm lying to myself here, because I know eventually I will reply)
One thing I think was very unfair, was that I was not given a proper chance in the relationship, why was it only after we broke up that you told me you had a mental illness that you've battled with for a good portion of your life, as in many years. You still haven't told me what it is that you have, I have had to look into it after this revelation. I feel like if you had been open with me, I would've known how to better help you or help myself in not allowing myself to be sucked into your depressive state. I've narrowed it down to what it could be but can't be certain until you tell me. But it explains so much of the rollercoaster of emotions the relationship took and why those big arguments (not even arguments, you just went stone cold, we both don't like raising voices) started from something so minuscule but ended up being just huge big thing and I never understood how you came to those conclusions that resulted in how you felt. I'm not saying it was your fault, I'm not without fault, it takes 2 to work in any relationship, right?
All I want now is for you to acknowledge and want to get help. I want you to accept my offer to support you and that again you can talk to me about whatever issues or whatever is going through your mind. But I know you have too much pride and you think you can handle it and get through this life without 1. medication 2. professional help 3. support from family and friends (from what you've told me on that day, you've only mentioned it to me and while I am glad you have told me somewhat, though not fully, I don't know what I can do with that knowledge now.).
I'm not going to give up on you, so whenever you, yourself decide to want to get better, contact me and I will support you, so whatever shit you say to me or bad mood you're in, I won't engage anymore, I ain't leaving though. I'm trying to practice self-care but that doesn't mean I'm abandoning you, cause friends don't do that. If it comes down to it that you really don't want me as a friend, fine, but you're not losing a supporter.
Re: . Write Letters You Cannot Send . - Thu Jan 24, 2019 7:37 pm
Vicki and Tay are driving me nuts; although the place looks nice you'd be livid with how they're inserting themselves.
Tay has peeled the house to the bone in cleaning (but she hasn't touched your bedroom upstairs), it's kind but I find it a little disrespectful. Rollie and Vicki can be the same; both are imposing what I should with the house, suggesting you guys kept it terrible and we need to destroy the "terrible" home and property you built over two decades. Rollie is doing this because he wants me to sell and move ASAP so wants me to get it into a ready to sell manner. Vicki and Tay are doing it because they're acting like the house is 66.6% theirs and so I need to "compromise" to appease them. They're both doing it because they also believe living in a clean and polished household is good for me (and for Vicki and Tay, as they treat it 66.6% theirs*)
*Vicki and Tay have uprooted their lives and are sacrificing for my ultimate wellbeing and live here indefinitely; probably about a year. I doubt they'll stay as much as they need to. I thank them for what they're doing, but I didn't ask for it. They now act as if they're two of a three person household; they're essentially trying to replace you guys.
I snorted 67.5 grams of opiate painkillers between June 2017 and May 2018. I did it 23 times, averaging 2.9 grams/day. Most addicts have 20+ grams every day, so while what I did for a year was stupid, I clearly had it under control.
I also lied about A LOT of seizures.
I know you still would love me if you died knowing those secrets, but if you knew my reasoning, I hope you don't think it was too stupid of me to hide.
What I definitely need to apologize about are those fucked up thoughts where I think this is for the best for me and/or that you guys dying helped my life progress; I want you both back so, so much and I hate how optimistic I feel sometimes.
To non-existent mom:
I need to tell you some things. We can dish politics, we can bounce off each other ideas and opinions. I know you have some things to gossip, I do too. I tried to gossip with Sylvia; I did poorly at it because I'm a gossipy person like you and told something I wasn't positive about. I was wrong, told Sylvia, and said I got gossip from you.
I wish you could be with me.
To non-existent dad:
I want to take a picture of you, with my camera. I want to talk politics and all the stuff mom wouldn't know about. I've been in your office several times since you died, but I haven't been in exclusively to play your synthesizer. I will soon I hope, I'm going to play the riff I wrote and played for you the night you died.
I love you both and thank you for crafting me into the person I am,
Because she loved my flowers so much Roli administrator Chu* gave me 3,000 gold.
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